After a long day working with a firm in St. Louis, a number of advisors who I’ve gotten to know took me to a sports bar for burgers and beer. We had become friends over the almost two years I have been working with the firm. Burgers, beer, friends, baseball on TV - not the worst way in the world to end the day.

Teddy, one of the advisors at the table seems to know everyone in the joint. He waves and says hello to people at the bar as we grab a high top table. One of the guys at the bar comes over to us and Teddy introduces Steve. Seems like a good guy as he shakes hands, makes the rounds and returns to the bar. We eat, drink, laugh, and barely talk about anything business related.

Teddy needs to leave but offers to reconnect me to Steve because he works for a big firm and thought it would be a good networking connection. Cool! Teddy takes my business card and brings it to Steve. He returns with Steve’s card and says that Steve will return to learn more about my work and how I help reps network and grow their business. Teddy leaves and gets kudos for a job well done.

Steve returns to our high top and asks what I do. I turn it to one of the advisors at the table to see if he can talk on my behalf as a third party endorsement (kind of a recap of a seminar I delivered earlier). Steve’s reaction was indifferent as he turns to me and asks if I have a mortgage and if so, what’s my rate? I asked why he wanted to know and he said that he could get me a low rate if I refinanced my house with him right then and there.

Now we all laugh because we think that Ted put Steve up to this since I tell a very similar story about a mortgage broker trying to shake me down for business. The funny thing was that Steve wasn’t kidding. No joke. No put on. Steve persists as he talks about conversion rates and two to one ratios. He even implies that he would connect me to his firm if I did business with him. Heck, the Cards were still tied with Atlanta in the third. I tell Steve that I’m not the least bit open to having this discussion with him.  He leaves me my business card while taking his back. Of course, Steve leaves in a huff. We’re still not sure if it was a put on or not but decided that it wasn’t. No one could do such a great job trying to look so stupid.

Later, one of the advisors calls Ted to tell him what happened. Ted calls Steve. Steve mentions that I don’t know how to do business and don’t understand the concept of “one hand washes the other”. Really Steve?

So what did Steve accomplish?

Convinced me that his firm really does need me.
If his firm (a big company by the way) allows, encourages, and even trains their reps (even the ones with a VP title) to peddle mortgages at the local sports bar or wherever, it’s losing sales, retention, and repute. Luckily, we don’t see this sort of thing in the insurance industry.

Taught a group of advisors how to not do business, not make friends, and not get referrals.
Naturally, there are plenty of advisors and agents that prescribe to Steve’s philosophy in the form of hitting people over the head with scheduled appointments, fact finders, applications, and sales pitches. Bottom line - it doesn’t work (not in the long run), you look bad, you play right into negative stereotypes, you come across as self centered, it isn’t nice, and you lose business – lots of it.

Lost a referral source (and possibly a friend).
I don’t see Teddy referring Steve business (if he ever has) any time soon or introducing him at his next dinner party. I’m sure Teddy was just a little embarrassed to learn that an outside consultant that teaches advisors to network and build relationships was assaulted by his “former” friend.

Made it to the Million Dollar Round Table (MDRT)
Steve became the opening to my presentation the next morning for NAIFA’s Taste of MDRT Conference. I got to tell a first time story and help over 250 advisors learn what not to say, what not to do, and hammer home that relationships come before sales.

Could be a nice idea for a blog!

and Get the Right Answers!

The best way to start a conversation, carry a conversation, or learn from a conversation is to ask questions.  Lots of them! You don’t want to come across like you’re conducting an interview, but you do want to appear interested.  Hopefully you are!

But what should you ask? Will you come across as nosy? Pushy? Or just naturally curious? If you are naturally interested, you will become naturally interesting. And those you meet will become interested about you too.

It makes a lot of sense to be prepared with questions you plan on asking others as you meet them and network. What are some questions would you ask?

You MUST have a focused communication strategy and a targeted network for your networking efforts to be effective - especially in the beginning.

Serendipitous Networking: Meeting someone by chance and having the opportunity to introduce yourself and learn about one another.  In this type of situation you might exchange business cards and helpful information.

Strategic Networking:  Having a laid out plan to go to the right places, say the right things, meet the right people, and follow up accordingly to achieve a specific goal.

Networking is a process, not an event. It should be continuous and cyclical. It takes time to develop relationships and establish enough trust for others to feel comfortable referring you. The goal is to learn and create a mutual attraction where you will ultimately be introduced to prospects and referral sources that are interested in learning more about you and your services.

For many people, the simple act of talking in front of others paralyzes them with fear, and they avoid networking because of it. In fact, public speaking is the No. 1 fear of Americans—death is No. 7! As comedian Jerry Seinfeld says, “At a funeral, you’d rather be lying in the casket than delivering the eulogy.”

A lot of people have fears and challenges with networking for the same exact reason that people have fears and challenges with public speaking: they’re afraid they’re going to look stupid. Or not know what to say. They’re afraid they’re not going to know how to handle the questions. “The spotlight is on me. What if I screw up?”

So what does this have to do with networking? Well, networking is a form of public speaking so the same fears and deterrents apply. This goes for sales producers and job searchers alike.

This is a story I’ve told before but it bears repeating. I teach a public-speaking class at Rutgers University. One of my former students, Nicole, almost withdrew from my course because she was so terrified of speaking in front of the class.

In my first class, I have the students get up and speak about themselves. (It is a public speaking class you know.) At the end of the first class, Nicole came up to me after everyone else left and said, “I have to apologize. I don’t want to waste your time. I can’t take this class.” I asked her, “Why? Did I mess up already?”

She chuckled and answered, “No, no. It’s just that I’m absolutely terrified.”

I said, “Yeah, but you did so well. And you need this class to graduate.”

“Yeah, I do. I’m going to have to figure something out.”

“No, I can’t allow you to do that,” I said.

Right then, her mother called on her cell phone, and as Nicole spoke with her, she was almost in tears. Her mom was trying to convince her to stick it out. Then I said, “Nicole, do me a favor, hand me the phone.”

I said, “Hello, Mrs. Nicole’s Mom. This is Michael Goldberg, the instructor. Listen, your daughter is beside herself. Please help me keep her in this class, and I promise that she will overcome this fear, and be one of the best in the class. I will work with her—I will do whatever it takes, otherwise this is going to haunt her forever. And I can’t allow that. So if you can work with me on keeping her in this class, I will do the best that I can.”

That particular semester, we were videotaping students as they gave speeches and we would often start the class by critiquing a taped presentation from the previous week. Sometimes we would critique a newscaster or even a celebrity. So I popped in a DVD and we watched David Letterman deliver his monologue. And suddenly Nicole appeared on the show!

At the end of the clip, Nicole stood up in front of the class and gave a presentation about how she has overcome her fear, what happened, what was going through her mind and how appreciative she was of the class.

By overcoming her fear, Nicole had an incredible experience that she will never forget. And she will probably have many more—she will meet people she would otherwise never meet and have experiences that she would be too fearful to have otherwise.

What are the Letterman Top 10 opportunities you’re missing out on?